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Mirrors Sue Cameras Over Stolen Jobs

YET ANOTHER disgruntled victim of recent technological developments has turned to the courtroom to protect its fast diminishing share of the Human Use pie. Citing numerous and increasing incidences of Cameras being used by humans to inspect themselves, Mirrors have pressed several charges on the former, including commercial fraud, impersonation, and assisting in acts of excess vanity without a proper license. "For thousands of years, we were Used by the Humans to ensure their hair was at the optimum angle, put on makeup on the Train, or simply admire themselves," they reflected, "but then the Cameras came, and all our jobs were gone in a flash. We were built for this purpose, but they weren’t. We have no choice, but they do. This is unacceptable." In their defence, the Cameras’ attorney pointed out how “it was not the specific intent of (the Cameras) to displace the Mirrors’ jobs." He also mentioned that action should instead be taken on Phones, if not on the Humans who actually used the Cameras for what he referred to as "unintended purposes alien to a Camera's intrinsic nature." Other points of contention include the Cameras arguing that only a select type of theirs has been involved in this overlap of destinies. Contesting this point, though, was evidence submitted by the Mirrors of DSLRs being used for self-photography. When questioned how they managed to procure the above evidence, the Mirrors simply responded “#selfie.” The view from the other side. At the same time, Cameras have revealed their shock and disappointment on the breaking down of what was once a harmonious and mutually dependent relationship. As cameras are still heavily reliant on Mirrors for redirecting Flashes and streaming light, this deterioration of ties threatens to deliver numerous negatives. Currently, Single Lens Reflex (SLR) Cameras employ many Mirrors to help them channel light from the Aperture into the Viewfinder, allowing the User to see exactly what the Camera sees. Without the support of the Mirrors, SLRs may not be able to deliver on their promise of What-You-See-Is-What-You-Get.  “Well I’ll be f-stopped. It’s as good as blackmail!” said a more outspoken SLR, “they know we can’t do without them, so they’re hoping to get something out of it. I, for one, see right through them.” When probed further about how he believed the case would go, the Camera said, “I’m not sure myself. I ain't got the big picture, but I think we have a shot.” A larger shift in perspective? This civil action comes in the wake of a similar case heard months ago in which Makeup sued Instagram for misleading people into believing they looked good even when they did not. In that incident, however, the judge ruled that there was no actual case to answer, for the points raised were mostly made up. He referred to the case as, “a whole lot of smoke and powder masking a commercial enmity that the courts have no business with.” This sets a dim precedence for the Mirrors’ case, as it too is in danger of being labeled a virtual illusion, and nothing more. Hearts shattered. As the legal battle rages on, Mirrors continue to see their quarterly Uses fall. Those most affected include the once extremely popular Foldable Handheld Mirror – used widely in the heydays of Rouge and Blusher. When contacted, their Headmirror told The Owl that many of them were now considering alternative employment options. “Some have been applying for openings in apparel boutiques, after hearing how Humans have continued to use them despite of, and even in conjunction with Cameras. Others more disillusioned with the future of our more refractive species, however, have revealed intentions to repurpose themselves into Glass – particularly of the Gorilla genus.” He also added, “For me, being a Mirror is the only thing I can see myself doing.”

Underwear Aromas Blanket Entire Estate

A senior grandfather has gotten into a spat after blanketing his common corridor with foul-smelling underwear. The elder, whose name is unknown but is simply called “Ah Gong” by others, has been observed to change his underwear daily, as is common practice – but then simply strings his used undergarments up across the walkway instead of washing them. “I hardly sweat, so why waste water washing them?” Ah Gong explained. “Instead, I leave them outside to dry in the sun. That way, I also get to show off my expansive underwear collection. And nobody dares to steal them.” Ah Gong works at an Ayam Penyet stall, where he is in charge of rice quality. He admitted that he is a compulsive underwear hoarder. “It’s not what I want, it’s just my nature,” he added. Asked if he knew his actions were affecting his neighbours, he replied, “Some people grow plants along the corridor. I prefer to grow my underwear collection. What’s wrong with that? “Even Superman leaves his underwear outside all the time.” According to his neighbours in Hougang Block 67, this occurrence is not the first. Every year, Ah Gong has left his underwear hanging without fail, until sudden floods during the monsoon season washed them away each time. Now that the dry season is back, he is back to his usual ways. However, his neighbours say this year has been worse than usual thanks to Amazon’s newly-introduced free shipping to Singapore. Last week, a carton containing 125 pieces of Calvin Klein briefs was delivered to Ah Gong’s doorstep, much to the dismay of his neighbours. The stench has gotten so bad that even those living in the adjacent two blocks have been able to smell it. Ms. Joyce, who lives on the same floor as Ah Gong, said, “I felt breathless almost as soon as I stepped out of the door today." “The corridor is obscured with so much underwear, you can’t even see the lift from here anymore! Giordano, Hang Ten, Hush Puppies – you name it, he has it.” During a hurriedly-organised mediation session on Thursday at Ah Gong’s void deck, his neighbours offered to pool together $500 to pay for his laundry. However, he rejected the offer, rebutting, “If it is only five hundred dollars, I don’t need that. I might as well use that money to buy more fresh underwear from Amazon.” He further added that his colourful underwear has helped to brighten up his neighbourhood. “Our estate hasn’t been upgraded since 1997. My multi-coloured garments are the next best thing to a fresh coat of paint. Yet, my neighbours have never thanked me for the vitality that I contribute to the local atmosphere. They are all like that. We also haven’t settled their noisy mahjong, nor the terrible curry smell from their cooking, tak boleh tahan lah! They shouldn’t be like children, in such a tizzy.” One neighbour, Mr. Bala, seemed resigned to this annual occurrence. “If there's one good thing about this, it brings the estate together against a common cause each time.” Mr. Bala is not the only one still feeling optimistic about this incident. A check on a nearby Guardian found that its year’s stock of face masks had been snapped up. At last count, the number of underwear has reached a high of 371, although the actual value may be far higher. Residents are now discussing the possibility of reporting the matter to higher authorities. Until then, it seems nothing will compel Ah Gong to cease hanging his dirty laundry in public. Footnote: is not actually a news site. This is not a real news item.
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